Kate Murphy, a reporter at the New York Times, wrote an interesting story last month: We’re All Socially Awkward Now.
Murphy writes the following:
Research on prisoners, hermits, soldiers, astronauts, polar explorers, and others who have spent extended periods in isolation indicates social skills are like muscles that atrophy from lack of use. People separated from society — by circumstance or by choice — report feeling more socially anxious, impulsive, awkward, and intolerant when they return to normal life.
Psychologists and neuroscientists say something similar is happening to all of us now, thanks to the pandemic. We are subtly but inexorably losing our facility and agility in social situations — whether we are aware of it or not. The signs are everywhere: people oversharing on Zoom, overreacting to or misconstruing one another’s behavior, longing for but then not really enjoying contact with others.
Stephanie Cacioppo, the director of the Brain Dynamics Laboratory at the University of Chicago, notes that when we are cut off from others, our brains interpret it as a mortal threat. Feeling lonely or isolated is as much a biological signal as hunger or thirst. And just like not eating when you’re starved or not drinking when you’re dehydrated, failing to interact with others when you are lonely leads to negative cognitive, emotional, and physiological effects.
Even if you are part of a pandemic pod, such as family, you can still feel lonely since you may not be getting those casual interactions that you once were, such as running into people we know at the gym or the office.
When isolated, our brains go into survival mode, which dampens our ability to recognize and appropriately respond to the subtleties and complexities inherent in social situations. Instead, we become hypervigilant and oversensitive – ready for a fight. We start to feel self-conscious and avoid social gatherings.
Craig Haney, a psychology professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz, who studies the effects of isolation on inmates, notes, “People feeling uncomfortable with other people is part of what happens when denied the normal social contact that we so much depend on.”
A key way to manage this sense of isolation is to stay in communication with people, by whatever means possible.
And once things start to return to a sense of normalcy, we need to have patience, both with ourselves and others.
Just like getting back into an exercise routine, we need to proceed slowly and with caution, but eventually, we can get to where we were before.
I may be in the minority, but I have not felt any side effects of the pandemic. I have been blessed to have my family around me. I was fortunate to have been able to teach this summer, even if it was over Zoom, and this semester I am teaching all my classes in-person to a wonderful group of students. I guess that gives me all the social contact I needed, which typically is not a lot.
However, as Dr. Cacioppo notes, even the most introverted among us are wired to crave company. It’s an evolutionary imperative because there’s historically been safety in numbers. Loners had a tough time slaying woolly mammoths and fending off enemy attacks.
It’s good to know that even introverts like me need social interaction, so I will be sure to keep lines of communication open among friends and family.
In the meantime, here’s to social awkwardness!
*image from queer-voices
Maybe this helps to explain why shootings and murders have risen so dramatically in some of our cities. I agree that we need to socialize more and keep adept at it. I’m hoping restrictions will ease substantially after the election, and we can all get back to being more human again.
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Interesting perspective about social awkwardness being part of the blame for the increased violence; it seems to have some merit. I don’t see much changing until there is a safe and effective vaccine that is widely available.
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Sadly, I think you’re right.
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I can’t say I have side effects from
The pandemic but I can say adaptation is what I am aiming for. Wear a mask? Absolutely it’s the best defense we have now. Stay 6 feet apart! Sure! I like my personal space anyway! If I can make changes that help keep me safe and continue with my life then I will!!
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I’ve got to say I’m kinda looking forward to wearing a face mask during the winter. I finally get to keep my face warm lol
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that’s looking on the positive side!
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Yeah haha. Especially with the cloth masks, they’re just so comfortable!
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there’s a business opportunity there somewhere!
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I’m with you; if that’s what the science recommends, I have no problem following such advice.
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Fascinating perspective. I like the idea of easing yourself back to social activities just like you would when exercising and that goes for both extroverts and introverts I guess.
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Yes, I guess we all need some social interaction; maybe some more than others…
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I’ve always been kind of awkward, but it definitely feels like the pandemic has made my social skills worse. It’s good to know I’m not the only one.
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I guess it’s like handwriting; if you don’t practice, it gets worse. the same must hold true for social skills.
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Lol yes. I guess something we can learn from both of those posts is if you don’t want lose a skill, you’ve got to use it!
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exactly!
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I have always been socially awkward… nothing new for me here. Hahaha… Who’d have thought that socializing is a skill that needs practice, eh?
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It makes sense; I am always telling my students the importance of networking, and how it is a skill they need to develop. I guess it is the same for socializing…
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I’ll trade social awkwardness for being dead or laid up in the hospital with enormous medical bills any day. 😊 And now I can blame it on the pandemic.
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amen to the that. I’ll also accept being socially awkward if it means I get to stay home and just relax… 🙂
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To paraphrase a line from Casablanca: Relaxing and staying home takes the sting out of a pandemic.
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well said 🙂
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I think this is true, Jim. I was saying to my mother just yesterday that I feel as if I’ve lost the urge to socialise. It just feels like such a big effort and its easier to stay at home.
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I feel the same way, Robbie. And I wonder how hard it will be to get back to where we don’t feel that way any more…
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You are lucky indeed. I went back to work after a month and it was good to interact with people other than the store staff when I shopped, and my husband.
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I guess we don’t realize how much we need social interaction until it is taken away from us…
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I don’t think I fit the profile. I miss being in the company of others because so many of my normal pre-COVID activities involved being around socialization.
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do you think not having that socialization has affected you at all?
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Most days, I feel the same, but there have been times when I felt depressed. That is totally out of character for me.
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Well, I can’t argue with the science from the experts, but I think this impacts those of us trying to avoid the virus less than the people who have contracted it and become hospitalized. We still have every means to be social, although it does not include being physically close. We have phones, email, Zoom/Skype, blogs, and all the others. Patients are cut off from family and friends and rarely well enough to engage in other activities to shore up the feeling of being connected. I do believe that as we return to whatever may be our new normal, patience with ourselves and others will be critical until we can sharpen our social skills again. Great information delivered beautifully, Jim!
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thanks, Brad. And great point. I think the big picture is to be grateful for your health, and then once things start to return a little bit closer to normal, we can focus more on the socialization aspect.
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this all makes so much sense and like you, I am an introvert who loves people, and love interacting, but also need my alone time to recharge, but c’mon corona, this is a bit much – it’s going to take some practice. good thing I get to start with my kinder.
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great points, Beth. I think we are lucky as teachers to have students around us to get in our socialization needs…
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They are quite an easy audience and are pretty nonjudgmental
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and my students are just happy to be at school…
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‘I may be in the minority, but I have not felt any side effects of the pandemic.’
I’m in the same minority; nothing changed for me save for wearing a mask when I go to a store or enter a building at work (I never stopped working, btw).
I was already awkward and rather isolated, having no real close friends of my own. I only interact with co-workers, my wife’s friends, and once in a while a neighbor, too.
It makes sense that it’s a skill that atrophies if not used, but I was never very good at casual interactions to begin with.
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we seem to have had similar experiences with the pandemic, and I am comfortable with being socially awkward…
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It’s like you said about handwriting: we lose the skills if we don’t use them. There is going to be a huge need for relearning when this is all finally over, along with a great deal of treatment for mental health issues deriving from enforced isolation.
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it’s a shame to think about all the consequences of this pandemic. maybe the results f the November election in the U.S. will help start the healing process…
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We can only hope they do – the alternative is terrifying.
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I don’t want to even think about it…
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I don’t think the world could take four more years of him, let alone the US!
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How does he not realize that?
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Egomania, total lack of self awareness, inability to understand reality…
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that explains it pretty well…
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Wise…and quite scary. Cheers Jim
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indeed…
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I don’t think I’ll ever change even once this stupid lockdowns and social distancing is over but everything written in the post make sense. Not to mention the lack of physical contact for those who lives alone… ugh the loneliness and mental stress… yes, I can see myself in them if I was alone.
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I think there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. Some people may like to be alone, as long as they have some contact with others. lonely is a bit tougher…
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True. There are times when I want to be alone too for months if possible, but I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it when I can’t even shake a stranger’s hand because I need to keep my distance, because that’s when loneliness kick in for me.
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yes, I think being alone can lead to loneliness, but so can being surrounded by other people
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Haha again so true… I agree. My parents business is Tivoli and I’m surrounded by people but at the end of the day, I felt lonely. Geez… I think we can keep going with this 😂
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This is an interesting post as I’ve certainly noticed myself being less sociable.
I’m not naturally one who wants to go out, so lockdown/restrictions have been the perfect excuse not to put myself out there.
I’m quite happy at the moment to keep in my small family bubbles. It’s going to take a bit of effort to make myself open when things return to normal.
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you sound like me, and I look forward to when things return to normal…
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Interesting discussion! These past months have certainly changed my social footprint.
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and mine as well…
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