In this week’s Pinkcast, Dan meets with Vanessa Bohns, a social psychologist at Cornell University and author of You Have More Influence Than You Think: How We Underestimate Our Power of Persuasion, and Why It Matters.
Vanessa offers advice on why we should be more willing to give people compliments, and how to do so most effectively.
Bohns notes that many people hold back on saying nice things about other people for a couple of reasons. One is that we may think that we are annoying people, or that we might stumble over our words. Another reason for not giving compliments is that we underestimate how good it makes a person feel, perhaps thinking the person has already heard it before or doesn’t really care what we have to say.
Vanessa then offers three tips on how to give effective compliments:
- make sure your compliment shows the other person respect
- don’t worry about how you say the compliment because people just like hearing nice things about themselves
- give compliments often
This all sounds good (nice job, Dan and Vanessa!), but I wonder if it can lead to too much false or superficial praise.
But if any of you are looking to practice your compliment giving, feel to do so in the comments (even if it is superficial)
Here’s the Pinkcast video:
*image from TCOYD
This is one of the less stupid of your posts. Whoops, I hope that didn’t come across as rude. Damn, I’m gonna just keep digging myself deeper if I don’t cut back on the compliments.
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that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my blog 🙂
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Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.
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and I thank you in return.
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You’re welcome. Nice of you to be so thankful.
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You are good at digging holes! LOL!
Kind of like when you give “kind” compliments to get Tippner or Snowball out of trouble!
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Well, I try. But telling me I’m good at digging holes sounds like a backhanded compliment, to me.
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I guess it depends on what you do for a living…
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If I operated a tractor, then it would be a backhoed compliment.
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if you were a gravedigger, it would be like complimentng someone for digging their own grave…
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Or if you were a speechwriter, it would be like complimenting someone for writing their own eulogy.
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I would guess that there are some people who do that…
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Well, if you’re a person of low character and bad repute, writing your own eulogy might be a good idea.
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I also think it’s a pretty common exercise in many self-help courses…
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That seems strange to me. I’ve never heard of that.
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it is a strange exercise…
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I wouldn’t be caught dead, doing that exercise.
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it’s a chance to toot your own horn, before your horn stops tooting…
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That’s true. Maybe I really would write my own eulogy. But I’d pack it full of lies, fictional anecdotes, and exaggerations, that would leave everyone in attendance scratching their heads. Assuming anyone attends.
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and puns. lots of puns…
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Yes, there must be puns. It would be the only way I can get people to cry and moan at my funeral.
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and smack their heads
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🙂
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A friend of mine were talking about something similar years ago when we were in high school and I’m not sure why but we decided if we had something nice to say to someone we would just say it without being shy and I’ve been doing that ever since. It’s really nice to see someone’s face light up when you tell them something nice. I think in order to stop it becoming a false/superficial thing only give out praise when you mean it. Don’t do it all the time for no reason.
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you were ahead of your time! I’ll try and follow in your footsteps!
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Pretty new to this compliment business so might have to do a course on it before giving it a go.
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once you take the course, you can start practicing your new skill right here 🙂
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The local TAFE stopped offer the course.
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oh well…
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Way to go Jim! One of Dan’s best podcasts. You rock, etc., etc.!!! 😃😉👍👌😊
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you are so kind, John. I always appreciate your thoughtful comments… 🙂
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Thanks for the compliments. They are nice to hear. 😊
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🙂
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As someone who frequently gives out compliments, here are my thoughts:
1. When giving compliments, only give them if they are sincere.
2. When complimenting someone, go beyond the superficial (You’re so pretty) and emphasize traits that aren’t typically recognized. (I like the way you parent your child. I wish that I had your patience. I enjoy hanging out with you because you’re fun to be around.)
3. While I agree with Dan that most people like receiving compliments, I think one can overdo it. Compliments lose their steam and power if we repeat the same ones daily.
By the way, compliments were part of my daily playbook as an elementary teacher. Kids are no different than the rest of us. They want to feel that their teachers like them and are glad they are there. If a child came in late, I never understood teachers who purposely humiliated a student. For young children, their parents are more responsible than anyone else for getting them there on time. If a child came in late and seemed upset, I would often go over to them and whisper that I was glad they were there. It worked wonders, and upset children would often smile back and relax.
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as usual, your comments are so much better than the post itself.
it’s hard to argue with the three points you make.
I think if I whispered to my students when they came in late, they would never be late again because they would be so creeped out 🙂
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Whispering goes out the window beyond elementary school. 😂😂😂
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otherwise, it might lead to a call from the principal or the dean… 🙂
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great points. especially this: “Compliments lose their steam and power if we repeat the same ones daily.”
Had not understood why this bugs me so much, but yes, receiving or even hearing a repeated, superficial compliment to someone else REALLY annoys me–it not only feels insincere but also manipulative somehow.
Meanwhile, the sincere, unusual compliment “emphasizing traits that aren’t typically recognized”?
I never forget it and try to live up to it.
Thanks!
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I agree; it is nice to be able to recognize those traits that aren’t usually recognized. Happy Thanksgiving!
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I constantly give compliments, esp on small things… hoping to brighten others’ days by having someone noticd and to encourage them to pay it forward.
We have a bulletin board at work for complimenting coworkers.
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seems like you knew this intutively; I like the bulletin board idea…
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I think I craved for people to compliment, or simply acknowledge, and figured out to apply the golden rule.
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that’s a good way to think about it…
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I just remembered… my last job had it’s own internal social media platform. And we got credits to give away every month which translated to $$ for recipients. But you could also post w/o credits.
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clever…
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Respectfully, this just seems like a naked attempt to get people to say nice things about you. I’m not falling for that…
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dang, was it that obvious…
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We’ve got your number 😂
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even if I trick one person into giving me a compliment, it will make my day 🙂
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It’s good to have dreams…
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👍
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I compliment you on your lightly veiled attempt to receive compliments.
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I guess I’m as superficial as the compliments I get 🙂
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I started offering more positive reinforcement to my dogs, and it seems to be translating to humans when deserved. I have to be careful though not to call my husband ‘good boy’ when he’s done something right.
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have you taught your husband to fetch? 🙂
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If only…
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🙂
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I always enjoy reading your posts, Jim.
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Pete is right, give them only when sincere and not repeated frequently to the same person or they lose their power, such as ‘good job!’ to a child in a classroom. better to personalize it and be sincere. I also love to give compliments and would love to give you one now, Jim. I like the way you type and put words together.
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thanks, Beth. I always like the way you find the perfect quote to go with your posts…
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Blushing
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I give compliments often. I used to worry they would seem insincere, then I realized it didn’t matter. If people didn’t believe me, that was on them. But if they did believe me, I’d have made them feel good. Too often people only speak up with complaints. I try to balance the scales if I can. (Probably a fruitless pursuit, but I think it’s worth the effort nonetheless.)
On that note, I’ll end with one. I love your blog. You always give me something fascinating to consider or simply put a smile on my face. Thank you.
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well said, Staci. I agree that people seem more willing to complain than compliment, so it is nice to be able to balance that out.
And I am always impressed with how generous you are with your time and your words when reviewing the works of other authors.
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Aww. Thank you. I try. 🙂
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👍
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I’ve always been uncomfortable with compliments… I feel like my gratitude or thank you would never be genuine and I come across conceded… Lol I should be better at taking compliments
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I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but I’m glad Pete Springer recommended your blog to me. Your posts have ranged from humorous to profound, and I agree with your tagline that you are an overall great person 🙂
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Haha thanks Jim, I so appreciate it! I think more than you’ll ever know 😊🤗
And I’m also glad to have been introduced to yours! I enjoy your perseverance to write every day, and your short doses of lighthearted ponderings are perfect for me 😊🎉
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thank you! 🙂
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I will give you a complimentary compliment.
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I apprecaite that; right back at you..
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I don’t need a complimentary compliment, can you just give me a complimentary ticket to Italy? Jim said they need tourists.
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You should see if you can find some sort of cowbell
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Hmmm….wonder where you would get that idea from, smartie!
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they need paying tourists…
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I come from a culture that does not compliment often, and I distinctly remember how good and worthy it made me feel when I received a compliment. For those reasons, complimenting others does not come naturally to me, but at the same time I am making a conscious effort to compliment others around me. Your posts are always enlightening in one way or another, while making us smile, so thanks for that!
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I agree, most (all?) people like getting compliments, so it makes sense that we should be willing to offer them to other people. and thank you for the kind words!
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You have an entertaining blog, there is your compliment for the day. 🙂
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thank you! I can’t wait for tomorrow’s 🙂
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Oh wow, this comments section is a goldmine of compliments. I think I should share this video too so that I can get me some of that sweet praise too. By the way, nice post, Jim! 😛
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that was my primary goal, to get some compliments 🙂
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As we say to our canines, “Who’s a good dog?”
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and we can tell by their wagging tails how much they like hearing that 🙂
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Compliments are great, but only if sincere!
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quite true!
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This seems to be a popular post, Jim. I think it is nice to pay people compliments, but you need to be genuine about it.
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I agree; no one benefits from false priase…
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Jim, you’re blog is usually pretty interesting!
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*your
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👍
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thanks, Jeff!
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Yes, yes, yes!!
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👍👍👍
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Thanks Jim. It costs nothing to be nice. And a compliment can go a long way in making someone’s day. 🙂
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well said, Debby!
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Compliments need to feel genuine.
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for bothe giver and the recipient…
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