In this week’s column, Dan Ariely looks at an issue I have often thought about, first impressions.
Being on the quiet side, I often think that I do not make a good first impression. To be honest, I blame it on my quiet side, but in reality, there could be several things about me that lead to leaving a poor first impression.
Some people may be disarmed by my rapier wit, my George Clooney-like appearance, my natural charisma, and my knowledge of double-entry bookkeeping. But tossing all those aside, I’ll assume it is my introverted nature.
Fortunately, Dan offers some research to indicate that while most of us may think we do not make a good first impression, that is usually not be the truth.
Here is the email he received.
Dear Dan,
This past weekend I attended a wedding. I enjoyed getting to know the people at my table, but I can’t stop worrying about the impression I left on them, and whether I may have come across as boring. I would like to meet up with these people again, but I am hesitant to contact them after this terrible first encounter. What do you think I should do? —Laura
and here is Dan’s response:
On average, we tend to be more likable than we think we are. Yet most people hold very low opinions of themselves, and especially of their conversational abilities. This mismatch between our perceptions of ourselves and others’ opinions of us is known as the “liking gap.”
The liking gap was first demonstrated in 2018. Researchers randomly paired people for 5-minute conversations, after which each was asked to rate how much they liked the other and how much they believed their partner liked them. Overall, participants made better impressions than they thought they had and underestimated how much their partners liked them.
The truth may be that we spend so much time and energy worrying about our own behavior and the impressions we’re giving out that we miss positive signals from others, such as smiles and laughter. It may be useful to remember that your conversation partners are also likely to be worrying about their own behavior and impressions, leaving them little capacity to really pay attention to you. Ask yourself if you remember and care about every little mistake your conversation partner made. Assume that your conversation partner is as generous as you are in judging other people and remembers as few of their small mistakes. Chances are that you are much more likable than you think you are, so go ahead and contact the other guests from the wedding.
I certainly feel that whomever I am speaking with is much more interesting than I am. I also think that person can’t wait to move on from our conversation so that they can speak with somebody more interesting than myself.
But what if that were not the case? What if I am suffering from the liking gap?
Does that mean I have to stay in touch with people I’ve just met?
If that’s the case, then I’ll have to try even harder to be one of the exceptions to the liking gap…
It may be true that we leave a better first impression than we think. But that’s not necessarily a good thing. Studies have shown that those who make a bad first impression, and then show their likability later, tend to be more liked than those who make a good first impression and continue to show their likability.
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so maybe I should start off each semester as really unlikable, and then try to change over the term. the danger is that the students don’t notice the change…
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That would be a danger. You’d have to know yourself very well, to pull that trick off.
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or just give all the students an A
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Sounds like the nuclear option.
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it’s better than paying them money…
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Hmmm… interesting. Are they more likeable because you are shocked that they are nicer than you thought they were? We humans are strange!
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there is no explaining human behavior…
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We are so complicated!
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and sometimes irrational… 🙂
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Very true!
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That could be it. But I was thinking maybe they’re more likable because they’re seen as more genuine. When someone isn’t afraid to show their darker side, then their brighter side is more believable.
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What do you mean I don’t have a dark side? LOL!
Yes, actually that does make more sense. 🙂
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Ahem, you’re asking me if you have a dark side? Is the Pope a pervert? Does Tarzan shit in the jungle? Can Tom Brady throw a football?
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Haha smartass! A simple yes or no would have sufficed! And you must have forgotten, I am a PK, remember! 😇😇
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Didn’t Dusty Springfield have a hit song about a PK?
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I have no idea.
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Maybe this will jog your memory:
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LOL! 😶🤚! Yes. Isn’t it your bedtime yet!
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Oh, I forgot. Good night. 😴
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Haha!
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Isn’t this your all-nighter night? If so, I hope all goes well and you have a good shift.
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Thanks, but no, that is tomorrow night. I am getting ready to go to bed soon. I been staying up late working on my manuscript which needs to be finished by the end of the year!
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Hows that going for you? Think you’ll finish?
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I had a burst of inspiration so its going great now. Its been a challenge but fun, (or I wouldn’t do it) Yes. I will finish. 🙂
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Good, but I hope that burst of inspiration didn’t hurt your head.
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Haha! You don’t worry about ..smacks… hurting my head!
No, my head is actually feeling quite fine this morning. 🙂
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well I hope Tippy or Jason can still get a head smack out of you!
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Wellll…..I hope they don’t! So Ha! 😛
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time will tell… 🙂
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Rolling eyes! 🙄 LOL!
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🙂
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that’s great to hear – congrats!
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good luck with your manuscript!
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Thanks Jim! Its coming along! I feel better about it now than I did a week ago. 🙂
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that’s great to hear – keep up the good work!
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😊
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nice – Tippy got a head smack!
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great song…
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I agree.
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🙂
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🙂
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seems like a reasonable explanation…
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I have to rely on my fourth or fifth impression if I can get people to stick around that long.
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Perhaps you should get a job as a prison guard.
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🙂
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I’m the same way; I need to wear people down…
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I think Tippy is on to something about his suggestion with the prison guard. You would have a captive audience for your Puns! They would be on their best behavior to get paroled early! 😂
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Information I wished I knew when I was younger. I usually feel as if I am always the unremarkable one that no one will care to remember. I feel any remarkability that I possess goes into my blogs. The written words are always better than the spoken ones.
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I do agree that we are more worried than we should be when trying to make a first impression. and I think we tend to get less worried the older we are. It just doesn’t matter as much. Not that I want to be disliked, but … not everyone is going to like you, its just that simple. That shouldn’t make you like yourself less though! And actually there is truth in the more that you like yourself the more others will like you. I am not talking about being arrogant, for arrogance turns me off really fast, but just being self-confident in who we are, flaws and everything.
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self-confidenceis a wonderful trait to have; I guess I should fake it til I make it… 🙂
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LOL! There you go!
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I think that what matters in a first impression changes as we mature 😉
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I think you are right, and perhaps we aren’t as worried about first impressions as much as we get older…
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Introverts should prefer making bad first impressions. It saves them/us from more uncomfortable personal interactions. At this point in life, I’m not trying hard to impress people. Many people we meet only care about how they can get others can to support their interests.
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good point about introverts!
and yes, I don’t care as much about first impressions as I used to…
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I wonder about this item….as I make a poor first impression.
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but according to this research, you may not be making a poor first impressions at all!
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Just being a good listener can make a person very likeable. First impressions count when people are too loud or aggressive, in my opinion.
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I’ll work on being even quieter 🙂
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I know a few people who fit the opposite profile. They think they are more likable than they are. I knew a guy, who wasn’t a pretty good dude, but he had an excessively high opinion of himself. He was the type of guy who used to swing for the fences (To borrow a baseball analogy in light of the World Series) when it came to girls. I admired his belief in himself, but sadly he never got the girl. I don’t think he ever married.
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you got to admire the self confidence though!
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*he was a pretty good dude. Gosh, I keep making mistakes all over the place tonight.
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This is very dangerous information for people like me who are already in trouble for thinking we make better impressions than we do. Now we will be applying the likability gap factor and assuming that we make even better impressions than the already inflated one we are imagining.
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there is that danger. but it’s good to have that self-confidence…
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I sure hope so.
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I’m always impressed by self-assured people…
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Ahhhhh that’s the name for it …Likeability gap factor who would have thunk…I absolutely prescribe to that thinking I always doubt myself and the first impression I give …
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it seems like a fairly common behavior…
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From all of these comments it looks as though people like you enough to stick with you, so you must be doing something right!
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I’m good at wearing people down… 🙂
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I think the trick to making a good first impression is to listen more than you speak. Most people love talking about themselves. If you give them the chance, they will talk at length. All said and done, they will have learned little about you, but they still walk away with a good first impression. I save “tooting my own horn” for second and third impressions where there is less competition.
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I am good at not doing much of the talking, so perhaps that may help my cause. But I still try not to do much of the talking even the second and third time!
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remember sally field’s famous oscar acceptance speech? “you like me, you really like me!” yes, i am a victim of this as well, i can never gauge another’s reaction to me other than the “this is really boring” comment from a child or a giant yawn. i see those actions as signs.
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I thought of Sally Field as I wrote this. and yes, my students often give me a clear sign what they think of my class… 🙂
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It’s astonishing that this phenomena was first noted in 2018. There’s so much important stuff left for us to find out.
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good point, Nora!
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This is the opposite of my problems lol I have a general dose of social anxiety. I tend to opt out of social events but when I’m there, I try to get by with my humour. I used to care about the first impression I left but I realize sometimes second and third impressions can be better at helping us get to know others!
Great points about how most ppl are worried about how they are portrayed than judging others in the moment! It’s helpful to remember!
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thanks for sharing, BB. I too often just skip events just to avoid such interactions.
But it is good to keep in mind that people are perhaps more forgiving to us than we are ourselves…
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Stuff like this always makes me think of Sally Field’s Oscar speech. “You like me. Right now. You like me!” (And the fact that I have never felt the urge to say that after an encounter with anyone.) Maybe we all have those insecurities.
I like you, Quincy. 🙂
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yes, I thought of that speech from Sally Field as well. and I’ve never had that urge either!
but thank you for liking me! the feeling is mutual 🙂
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Aww. Thank you! 🙂
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Based on the number of comments, this topic seems to resonate with many. I’d wager that my liking gap is huge. No one could possibly be as unliked as I rate myself after social encounters. I would do well to remember the study Dan described. If I worried less about being liked during conversations, people would probably like me more.
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I feel the same way; I just don’t like many social events for this reason. But it is somewhat comforting to know that many, many people feel the same way. and that people are often kinder to us than we are to ourselves…
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Yup, same here, although I thin, some of it is not imagined, but was really partially due to the fact that I am short, looked much younger than I really was, and I am a woman. These days I don’t give a hoot, so it doesn’t matter. And, yes, I like you 🙂
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yes, some people can leave us feeling bad about ourselves. and I like you too, Margie!
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When all else fails, fall back on your knowledge of double entry book keeping.
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Dan’s answer was spot on. We often (always) see ourselves as underdogs in social situations. Knowing that the guy you just talked to probably feels the same way says it all.
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exactly; it gives me some confidence next time I am chatting with someone new…
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Me, too!
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In my teaching career, the science behind “first impressions” was found in my numerous job interviews, meeting new staff, and of course my students. In looking back, I guess I did better than I may have originally thought.
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it seems like you must have!
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Nice one, Jim. You always make a good impression…
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thanks, Pete. maybe it’s easier to do so virtually 🙂
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😀
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I’m a very shy person and one thing my shrink told me back when I was going to therapy was that humans are incredibly self-absorbed. You may be freaking out about your appearance, conversation etc but the other person probably won’t even notice or remember it at the end of the day. Just like you don’t remember everything someone says to you or exactly what they look like saying it others don’t remember these things either. So I definitely think people are better at socialising then they think they are because we are the only ones fixating on our flaws- the other person probably doesn’t even notice them.
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thanks for sharing that Pooja, and it seems to echo what Dan Ariely notes. Has knowing that helped you be more comfortable when meeting people?
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Yeah for sure. It’s made me a lot less self conscious because I don’t fixate on my flaws anymore. I don’t care that much about others flaws so I just assume they don’t care about mine either.
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seems like a great attitude to have!
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Since I’m about to embark on another new life (I think this one will be at least my 3rd) I’m trying to figure out what kind of impression, (1st, 3rd or otherwise) I want to make/leave. In one of my past new lives I remember saying I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. In this upcoming new life I think I have moved beyond that point in that I now have some fairly solid ideas about that but have yet to figure out how to present them to new people. My old people already know me well enough to be able to keep up with me! Anyway, and either way, given my past and present I probably don’t really care very much if I leave a likability gap in my future.
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