I first wrote about the spotlight effect back in 2019.
Simply put, this refers to the fact that all of us pay a lot more attention to ourselves than other people pay to us.
Dan Ariely casts the spotlight on this phenomenon again this week with the following letter:
Dear Dan,
In an effort to save money, I asked my housemate to cut my hair. It didn’t turn out well and now I don’t even want to go outside. Besides waiting for my hair to grow back, what can I do to feel less embarrassed? —Alexa
And here was Dan’s response:
You might think your haircut is bad enough to stop traffic, but the reality is that we pay a lot more attention to ourselves than other people pay to us. This is referred to as the spotlight effect: We tend to think there’s a spotlight shining on us that attracts attention and makes our flaws obvious. Thomas Golivich and colleagues demonstrated the spotlight effect in a 2000 study where they asked college students to go to a party wearing embarrassing Barry Manilow T-shirts. The students wearing the shirts were convinced that everyone was laughing at them, but afterward, when the partygoers were surveyed, it turned out that almost no one noticed the shirts at all. So don’t worry about your haircut getting stares, and after a few days you’ll forget about it yourself.
First, an embarrassing Barry Manilow t-shirt seems redundant.
Second, isn’t this what hats are for?
I know over the past year my hair has gotten to the point a couple of times where I couldn’t stand what it looked like, but I kept putting off getting it cut for a variety of reasons. I have to admit I felt like everyone I came in contact with was taken aback by my hair as well; it’s good to know that perhaps they weren’t. Or maybe it made them feel better, knowing that at least their hair wasn’t as bad as mine.
I’ve felt this way about my dress habits as well.
I’ve never had a large wardrobe, and I used to think that students probably grew to recognize my limited clothing options, and talk among themselves about my lack of style. But once I learned of the spotlight effect, I felt like it gave me permission to care even less about what others thought of my sartorial habits. So I reduced my wardrobe even further, and now it includes just a couple of pairs of khakis, a couple of dress shirts, and a couple of polo shirts.
I haven’t yet gotten to the point where I wear the same clothes every time I teach, but never say never. And even if I did, it’s good to know that no one would notice, and if they did, they probably wouldn’t care.
I feel so relieved to read this. I have an enormous pimple right between my eyes, right now. It’s about the size of a quarter, and suppurating profusely. It’s nice to know that nobody is paying any attention to it, when I go shopping.
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or they might notice, and just be happy they don’t have it 🙂
and as long as you haven’t noticed any kids staring at it, you should be good…
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I hate it when kids tease me. Brings back bad memories of childhood.
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It would bring back memories of high school for me…
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It’s very liberating when you think about it. As long as we have clothes on, we won’t stand out. No sure it always works though. I have seen how some women notice and judge other women’s clothes. Years ago I studied fashion and one of the surprising things that I learned back then was that most North American women dress to be noticed by other women. Most men don’t usually care what labels or designers women wear.
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that is an interesting observation about women dressing to impress other women. and I am usually oblivious to what women are wearing…
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I think that is right about women impressing other women. I’m not totally clued in on it but from past experience accessories like shoes, handbags, and sunglasses are important.
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Yes it isn’t my thing but in the past, I worked with a lot of women who spent a lot of time comparing such things.
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guys may talk about how big a tv screen they have, or what their latest tech gadget is…
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Very True.
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and I would not even notice such things…
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This is so liberating! I remember as a younger person being paralyzed by something or other that I thought was embarrassing. Nowadays, I just move on, but still it’s nice to know that I don’t need to give blips in life another thought. As to haircuts, I usually pull my hair back and tell Tony “cut here.”
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it is liberating. I like your approach to haircuts 🙂
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I follow your approach and ignore the spotlight effect. Hats hide the bad haircuts I give myself. Masks cover up for days I don’t shave. I go out so infrequently, wearing basically the same things all the time likely isn’t noticed. Just trying to make the best of a bad situation. 😄
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Hats do come in handy, and I guess you might be one of the few who don’t mind wearing a mask! And it does save on clothing costs… 🙂
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Even after the pandemic, masks will come in handy sometimes and hopefully people won’t assume I’m about to rob them as they might previously.
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hmmm…. the hat on, the mask, the rumpled clothing, the unshaven face – that might raise some eyebrows! 🙂
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Now if I could just convince my daughter of this truth! 🙂
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that would probably be a tough sell for that age..
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Very! But she is getting better. 😉
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baby steps…
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About the only thing I’m self-conscious about is my hair. I’m a that thinning hair stage where I flip flop between shaving it all off and going bald or growing it a bit longer to see if that covers it up better. I shaved my head and wore it that way for two months. At least I know it looks okay that way.
I think Dan is right about what he says. At least a few times per year, I would have a child come into class petrified that other kids would laugh at his/he new haircut. There was a school rule about no hats, so kids would wear their hood over the head all day. The way I handled it was to ask the child to stay in a minute at recess. I’d ask them if I could see their haircut. 95% of the time it looked fine. It usually only took one compliment and they would come back after recess relieved that no one said anything.
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sounds like you handled the school situation perfectly. you need to give yourself the same pep talk…
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I agree women dress for women and it was very apparent when we lived in Phuket..beautiful people and all that…sigh…it was even commented that maybe I should edit my photos b4 I put them on FB..at that point the air was blue and I decided I did not want to be part of that scene any more…I’m mean FB..PLEEEESE get a life….
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my thoughts exactly!
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It is amazing how our own egos place us at the center of our own universes. Luckily, most people are too concerned about their own appearance to be truly bothered by someone else’s. The books my mother received to proofread always came before the dust covers were made, and oddly enough these plain, unadorned fabric covers did not have any affect on the words inside. I try to keep that in mind when it comes to people’s appearance. Great post, Jim!
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what a great example you share Brad of not judging a book by its cover!
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interesting, isn’t it? perhaps for some women this took root back in our encounters with the infamous ‘mean girls’ of middle school? in reality, we put way too much focus on ourselves and others really don’t even notice things, all about ego. that being said, my 3 and 4 year olds mention when the teachers look even a tiny bit different, a change in hair, new shoes, why is that sock older than the other one, etc. I don’t think they are being judge-y, just great observers with no filter. can be a scary combo or wonderful, such as when a three year old commented -‘you’re as thin as a whip!’ – (not the best observer, but I’ll take it!), his parents were howling with laughter and said they had no idea where he ever heard that phrase. the older I’ve gotten the less I care about it, as others have said, it is very liberating –
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my wife tells me the same thing; the 4-year olds will notice things about my wife I fail to notice, but it si completely no-judgmental.
It’s a good way to be…
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I just throw my hair up in a ponytail and call it a day lol
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I like that approach!
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Excellent point about the hats. I was working with a guy once at a job where we were supposed to wear ties. One of my co-workers, a 300 pound football player, wasn’t having it. He just threw the tie over his shoulders, and proclaimed that if you were confident enough about it you wouldn’t have to tie the tie.
It actually kind of worked.
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it probably helped being a 300-pound football player…
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I would imagine so.
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Ha! It’s so true. You’d think we’d outgrow thinking everyone’s looking at us. . . 🕊
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you would think… 🙂
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It’s so true, no-one notices!
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it’s just hard to remind ourselves of that… 🙂
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Good read! Something I needed to hear! I worry way too much of how others perceive me!!
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glad you enjoyed it. I am guilty of doing the same thing…
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Realizing that I maintain a great deal of anonymity as I go through my day has been incredibly freeing. People really don’t care about me… and I mean that in the most non-depressing way. It lead me to blogging 🌺
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yes, people care more about themselves than others. and blogging is a good outlet for many of us…
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