Another interesting research report from “Study Finds”.
This one looks at something I was never good at; perhaps it was the lack of practice.
One of the most frequently used dating tactics is “playing hard to get,” or purposely acting cold and even mean toward the person we’re interested in. But, does playing hard to get really work?
A new study from the University of Rochester concludes that yes, playing hard to get does in fact increase a potential mate’s perceived desirability.
“Playing hard to get makes it seem as if you are more in demand—we call that having higher mate value,” says Harry Reis, a professor of psychology and Dean’s Professor in Arts, Sciences & Engineering at Rochester.
“People who are too easy to attract may be perceived as more desperate,” adds co-author Gurit Birnbaum, a social psychologist and associate professor of psychology at the IDC Herzliya in Israel. “That makes them seem less valuable and appealing—than those who do not make their romantic interest apparent right away.”
Reid and Birnbaum set up three inter-connected experiments. Participants were told they were talking to another person of the opposite sex, but in reality they were just talking to an “insider” (member of the research team).
The experiments produced a number of interesting conclusions. First of all, participants who spoke with more “selective” (hard to get) profiles rated that individual as more desirable and valued across the board than participants who spoke with less selective profiles. Participants also universally rated profiles as more valuable and sexually attractive if they had to put in more effort to gain that individual’s attention and affection. Finally, participants who were assigned to the hard to get profiles tried much harder to convince the person they were speaking with to talk or see them again in the future.
The researchers do caution that going overboard while playing hard to get can cause the other person to see you as unapproachable or even unattractive.
I wish I had been aware of this research when I was in high school and college. I never thought to play hard to get, I was the more of the desperate type. Little did I know that such behavior made me seem “less valuable and appealing.”
I am sure there were other things about me that made me seem less valuable and appealing, but for now, let me just blame on my acting desperate.
Fortunately, such behavior only had to work once, and it did.
My junior year of college I met someone at a party who I then desperately pursued.
We have been happily married for nearly 38 years.
*image from The Modern Man
The thing is, someone has to be pursuing you before you can play hard to get. That was always my problem with that tactic.
Congrats on having such a long-lasting marriage.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good point; I guess I was never even in the game…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh the tangled web we weave… Congratulations on your 38-years-and-counting relationship!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes indeed; life is but a game apparently…
And thank you!
LikeLike
Seems your method worked when it needed to!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Indeed it did!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thirty-six years next month for us next month, Jim. In my limited dating experience from my younger years, I would agree with the study’s findings. It’s almost like you can be too attentive at times. It seems odd, but the girls started calling (if they like you) to find out why you aren’t reaching out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Congrats on your 36 years! And you mention another part of the problem I had – I never had girls calling me… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
The study does reflect my own experiences in dating. But playing hard to get is all part of the “Game” that most people become so tired of. In all my years, the thing that makes you most attractive to others is having a girlfriend/boyfriend already. When you are single, you can hardly get someone’s attention, but as soon as you are spoken for, potential mates seem to come out of the woodwork. It is as if, someone else finding you worthwhile to engage with romantically, sends a signal that you are a good mate. Dating has always been a unique set of circumstances operating beyond the realm of science. Your method work perfectly for you and I congratulate you on landing such a wonderful woman!
LikeLiked by 1 person
So this adds another explanation to the problems I had – I never had a girlfriend already to use as a way to make me more attractive… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oldest trick in the book! But no matter, you couldn’t have found a more perfect partner than you did!
LikeLike
another of life’s lessons that I’ve learned too late… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
you are all correct, and as someone who is actively dating again, it is one crazy mess, and i’m just winging it and not good at the game. i want to just cut out the dating part and say, ‘let’s just wear pajamas and watch a dumb movie while eating a carry-out on the couch.’ don’t know how that would play, i obviously am not too smooth, but i do have many funny experiences -)
LikeLiked by 3 people
As long as you are properly socially distant, that sounds like a perfect date 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Darn, the word is out for every female I know!
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well glad I am married!!!! Dating is hard enough without worrying about what games to play or not to play!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
same here!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m with you on this: I was never good at reading the signals, so it was a surprise that I ever got married!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think my dad was as surprised as I was!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mine too. I didn’t have a good track record till then 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think if you really like someone/something there is no shame in pursuing them/it desperately!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I kind of agree – and it worked for me in the end!
LikeLiked by 1 person
38 years of marriage is something to be proud of! I would say your way worked just fine. 🙂
I didn’t play that game either and we are approaching 25years at the end of the year sooo…I say both ways work!
LikeLiked by 1 person
so maybe the researchers need to look at the dating habits of people who have been married a long time, to see if there is a common thread…
LikeLike
Sounds like a good idea,so when are you going to start interviewing. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not one of the researchers… sounds like too much work 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Interesting discussion Jim. I was more of a quiet wallflower in high school and college. I wasn’t really looking for a relationship until I was teaching in my 20s.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was what you might call a desperate wallflower… 🙂
LikeLike
What can I say apart from what has already been said? I don’t like tose sort of games but did we do it way back then…probably… the memories are hazy…sigh..not all ..wink…I think I will shut up now…..
LikeLiked by 1 person
yes, we’ve all learned from our past behaviors… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well … your tactic seemed to work great … one proof that there isn’t just one method to 38 years!! Congratulations!
🎊 😊 🎊
LikeLiked by 1 person
thanks!
LikeLike
Aw that ending just melts my heart 😍😍💘
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLike