Lankenau Hospital, just outside of Philadelphia, reported that three people, two men and one woman, stole at least 18 colonoscopes from its facility on April 20. The tube-like instruments are used to examine the colon during a colonoscopy procedure. The total value of the theft is at least $450,000, and police believe the stolen items could be sold on the black market.
Here is video footage of the suspects:
As soon as I saw the story pop up in my Facebook feed, I couldn’t wait to see the one-liners that were about to be posted, and social media did not disappoint. Here are some of the best I came across:
- Maybe the FBI will launch their own probe
- Yeah, totally stinks.
- Police hope the thieves will be caught in the end
- I don’t know what they have planned for the evening, but count me out.
- Butt why?
- Police believe the robbery was an inside job and the investigation is quickly becoming a pain in the ass.
- The s**t they must see
- Rectum? Damn near killed em!
- Interesting weekend plans at that apartment.
- Bunch of a**holes probably stole them
- Probably will be sold on the brown market.
- Planetary explorers, searching for Uranus.
- Someone broke into the hospital to steal colonoscopes. America, you never fail to amaze me.
- Whenever you think that nothing else in this messed up world can surprise you, someone steals $450K worth of colonoscopes.
I tried to think of a couple of one-liners on my own, in addition to the headline; here’s the best I could do:
- I wonder if all the prep work was worse than the actual theft
- First pawn shop owner they go to: Hey, you know what you can do with your colonoscopes?
- Maybe there’s a market for these where the sun don’t shine – the dark web
I’m here all week, folks.