I was scrolling through my email the other day, and in one of my daily emails from The Onion, I came across this headline:
Who could pass up clicking on that?
Here’s a bit of what the story went on to say about this sad state of affairs: “In tests of word recognition and reading comprehension, most 8- and 9-year-old pupils in the United States measured up quite well against crows of a similar age.”
As I read the story, it occurred to me that it has been a while since I shared a few classic Onion headlines. I thought it had been about a year, but it has actually been four years. I think I am overdue.
So here are some recent headlines that only The Onion could come up with:
Limo Departing Climate Summit Runs Over Earth’s Last Leatherback Sea Turtle – no story here, just the classic image you see at the top of this post
Zoo Assures Public Escaped Leopard Will Kill Them Quickly – Zookeeper Lloyd Rich explained that leopards are quick and quiet killers, so any concerns that the wild cat would waste time toying with an injured person’s body before finishing the victim off were unfounded. Lloyd did warn that the escaped rhino, on the other hand, would take its time before allowing you to die.
Park Ranger Slips Fat Fish To Bear Before Gesturing Towards Littering Family He Wants Mauled – the ranger reportedly palmed the 700-pound male grizzly bear a salmon and glowered at the offending group as he clenched in his fist the empty Ruffles bag he had found at their site that morning.
Congress Approves Empty Paper Towel Roll For NASA To Use As Telescope – “Thanks to this generous act, our scientists will soon be able to cover up one eye, squint through a cardboard tube with the other, and sort of see a few stars,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson.
Where’s The Rest Of It?’ Screams Yale President Standing Over Shaking Alumni Fundraiser Who Didn’t Make Quota – Rolling a copy of the Yale Alumni Magazine into a makeshift but effective bludgeon, Yale University president Peter Salovey demanded Wednesday that the trembling, weeping alumni fundraiser getting blood on his office floor tell him where the rest of the money was.
Creepy Old Man Has Book Filled With The Home Phone Numbers Of Everyone In Town – “It’s so upsetting. He has our first and last names, our addresses, our phone numbers. I’ve heard he even has us all alphabetized in there! Ugh, what a freak.”
If I could get a job writing headlines for The Onion, I’d gladly give up my day job of teaching the intricacies of credits on the left, debits on the right…