How to End a Friendship

family, happiness, lessons learned 2 Minutes

This story has been making its way around social media over the past week, so some of you may already be familiar with it.

From my perspective, it falls into the category of “Outrageous Behavior”.

As you can see from the image above, this story revolves around a couple (Doug and Dedra) who recently got married, at a destination wedding in Jamaica.

Apparently, one of the couples invited to the wedding had RSVP’d that they would be there, but ended up being no shows.

The newlyweds then decided to send an invoice to this couple, charging them $240, the cost of their seats.

The groom, a small business owner in Chicago, stressed that it’s not about money. He and his new bride were merely hurt and felt disrespected by the no-shows at their hard-earned dream wedding with more than 100 attendees. “Four times we asked, ‘Are you available to come, can you make it?,’ and they kept saying ‘Yes,’ ” he told the New York Post. “We had to pay in advance for Jamaica — this was a destination wedding.”

It seems to me that when the newlyweds planned this wedding, they invited a certain number of guests, and thus knew what the cost of the wedding was going to be, and I assume they had budgeted for that cost. At that point, if someone becomes a no-show, it doesn’t really affect the amount you had budgeted. While I understand that the newlyweds had to pay for the cost of the no-shows, they had already planned to do so anyway.

I agree it was rude behavior by the no-show couple to not inform the newlyweds that they would not be attending, but I don’t think such behavior warrants an invoice being sent to you.

I wonder if this was the newlyweds way of asking for a gift from the no-shows. If so, it is a terrible way of doing so. I’m also curious that if this no-show couple had sent a gift in advance, would the newlyweds have still sent the invoice? And what if a wedding gift does arrive from the no-show couple, let’s say in the amount of $200. Would that satisfy the invoice? Would it end the hostilities?

I doubt that the no-show couple will pay the invoice.

But I have little doubt what this will do for the relationship between the two couples…

*invoice image from Bored Panda
**featured image from Slate

Published by Jim Borden

A 60-something guy trying to figure out the world, and his place in it. Happily married for 40-plus years, three wonderful sons. Accounting teacher, fitness enthusiast, blogger, reader.

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85 thoughts on “How to End a Friendship”

  1. Just another reason why I think modern weddings are getting out of hand. Destination weddings are expensive for both the couple getting married and the guests who have to pay for flights and accommodations etc. to attend. My feeling is, if you want people to share in your special day, make it easy for them to attend. Then make the destination the honeymoon. And if you get a couple of no shows, don’t be so narcissistic and take it personally. Life happens.

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    2. The best wedding I ever heard of was a couple who had a regular weekend party, disappeared for a bit, and came back in wedding gear and got married. No presents and true friends were all there.

      2nd best: The guest gifts were shot glasses and the centerpieces at the reception were chilled bottles of vodka. The person who told me about it said her table drank 2 centerpieces!!

      And then there’s my Fabulous Gay Neighbors who’s reception staff handed us mimosas before we even got out of the car!

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      3. Dunno if you watch Modern Family but the gay wedding and reception were at the church and golf course where Cam & Mitch get married…. many years before that show 4ven existed.

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      5. I got to be test audience for the Modern Family pilot. I loved it but wasn’t sure America was ready. I’m thrilled that it became a hit!!

        The golf course is a tRump property. Again, long before he was prez. But I still have a hard time reconciling that I ate and partied there.

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  3. I agree. They budgeted for this wedding anyway, so whether people show or don’t show, it doesn’t affect the bottom line.

    Weddings are BS anyway, in my opinion. Better to elope and get hitched by a court clerk. Given that many marriages fall apart over money problems, the worst thing you can do is start one off with lots of debt, by having a big wedding.

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  4. This is crazy!! What if something really bad happened to them? A death in the family, or maybe one of them got in an accident, etc. Just so tactless. And for the groom to say its not about the money, well apparently it is! For if it wasn’t then why send the invoice? Why not call and check on them to make sure they are OK, and then tell them you were disappointed that they didn’t show up. Or if you don’t want to call, send a card. And maybe they did check out that they were OK, but still, friends just don’t do this.

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  5. Well I get this from both sides but I think the groom and bride were kind of wrong. I get that it was wrong of the friends to say they would be there and not show up but at the same time lets be honest not everyone will show up at your wedding that has said they would. It’s weird that you would expect everyone to show up. Sometimes things happen and life gets in the way- the friends probably had a reason they didn’t come.

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    1. I agree it was rude to not inform the newlyweds as to why you did not show up, but that doesn’t warrant this type of behavior by the newlyweds. I hope there is a response from the no-shows…

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  6. Sometimes I think people get married just so they can have a fancy wedding. “Four times we asked, ‘Are you available to come, can you make it?,’ and they kept saying ‘Yes,’ ” Four RSVPs? Seems like the couple were never really sure if the guests were actually coming. If there was a deadline for a final headcount, the groom should have let people know. Just no showing was also rude. If the wedding was called off or postponed, would the bride and groom get bills for flights, hotel, and other associated expenses?

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    1. the four rsvps did seem a bit over the top. and a destination wedding is asking a lot of people, both from a time and money perspective. I agree the no shows should have let the newlyweds know they were not coming, but not doing so still does not warrant this type of response…

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      2. it is crazy how much some sneakers can cost. Usually I’m an under $50 for a pair of sneakers kind of guy, but I did recently splurge and buy a $120 pair, and my goal is to get several years of use out of them…

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  8. I might retort with a bill for my expenses of the no show reason was valid. If they weren’t going to attend in the first place then really there was no friendship to begin with. We had the opposite at our wedding. People who said they weren’t coming arrived so we had to ask two other people to give up their seats to make space.

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  9. As Carolyn points out, there could be some legitimate reason why they didn’t show. Maybe they got cold feet about traveling during Covid, one of them was not feeling well and didn’t want to take a chance of infecting others, etc. I don’t get offended easily, but if somebody sent me an invoice for their destination wedding, I’d assume it was a joke. What nonsense!

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    1. while it would have been nice for the no-shows to offer an explanation of why they did not show up (it seems as if they did not), even if they did not, it does not justify billing them for not showing up. I wonder if the no shows got stuck paying for a hotel and flight they didn’t use…

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  10. It says the new couple was “hurt and felt disrespected” by the no shows. Oddly, the invoice never mentions that. When I read it, all its says to me is “we are assholes”. Maybe that is why they didn’t attend the wedding. They already knew they were assholes….just saying!

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    1. My daughter had a semi-destination wedding in that it did not require overseas travel. I think most of the guests looked at is as more of a vacation destination and planned accordingly, especially given that more than one day would be required to enable attendance. The exceptions were the wedding party. Their lodgings were paid for by the bride and groom. Since her father and I paid for the actual wedding reception, we never would have even considered anyplace that charged $120 per person for dinner!

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      1. That all sounds perfectly fine to me. It was the gall of that couple charging their (presumably ex) friends for not attending that made my jaw drop! And you did well to find somewhere that didn’t charge ridiculous prices.

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  12. I think it has everything to do with the wedding couple not having confidence in the friendship in the first place, based upon their not checking to see if the couple was okay. Also, the invoice was in response to an ego blow for them, hurt feelings, etc. As an adult, you have to learn not to respond as a child would, without life experience to know that sometimes things just happen, you can’t control everything and it’s not the end of the world. To send the invoice only serves to begin the severing of the relationship.

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    1. well said, Beth. This could have been a learning moment for the newlyweds if they had taken a moment to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. Perhaps if both sides reply with kindness,, there is a chance to repair the relationship…

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      1. I agree. A few kind words of understanding from either party could easily salvage a relationship and it does not matter who goes first…..Why is there not an emoji for “olive branch”….sorry, just noticed that….That says something about us doesn’t it?

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  14. I’m with you on this one, Jim. I’d add that it all seems very trivial. A wedding is a special day, to be shared with those you love. Why the exotic location? Strikes me it may all too often be more about the big event than the reason for getting married. What’s wrong with Neasden parish church and a cheese sandwich afterwards at the Olde Rupturede Ducke?

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  18. Lots of thoughts…
    I don’t think it was right to send an invoice, I don’t think it was okay to no show if it was indeed a no show (meaning not even a bit of heads up advising they won’t be able to make it with a reasonable explanation)… If I couldn’t make it to a wedding that I rsvp’d for, the couple would still receive my gift (this was the case with my wedding and our missed guests).. I also once heard that even if you’re invited and you RSVP no you should be gifting as well… This really depends how well I know the couple (perhaps, well enough that they were at mine and I simply knew I couldnt make it to theirs)..

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  19. I think that notice was disgusting. Total end of a friendship in my books. I should think a ‘friend’ would call the other friend first to ask what happened, if they are alright to not just show up and worry people too. Also, the no shows should not have been no shows, they should have left a courtesy call. So no. Buh bye.

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  22. They shouldn’t have done such an expensive wedding if money was so tight that they had to invoice them. Also, this is just ruthless and I agree, it is a pandemic. People are nervous about getting sick, lost a lot of money, or have a lot of social anxiety that they didn’t before. We have all been through so much trauma…

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