These Thieves Are the Butt of a Lot of Jokes

Lankenau Hospital, just outside of Philadelphia, reported that three people, two men and one woman, stole at least 18 colonoscopes from its facility on April 20. The tube-like instruments are used to examine the colon during a colonoscopy procedure. The total value of the theft is at least $450,000, and police believe the stolen items could be sold on the black market.

Here is video footage of the suspects:

As soon as I saw the story pop up in my Facebook feed, I couldn’t wait to see the one-liners that were about to be posted, and social media did not disappoint. Here are some of the best I came across:

• Maybe the FBI will launch their own probe
• Yeah, totally stinks.
• Police hope the thieves will be caught in the end
• I don’t know what they have planned for the evening, but count me out.
• Butt why?
• Police believe the robbery was an inside job and the investigation is quickly becoming a pain in the ass.
• The s**t they must see
• Rectum? Damn near killed em!
• Interesting weekend plans at that apartment.
• Bunch of a**holes probably stole them
• Probably will be sold on the brown market.
• Planetary explorers, searching for Uranus.
• Someone broke into the hospital to steal colonoscopes. America, you never fail to amaze me.
• Whenever you think that nothing else in this messed up world can surprise you, someone steals $450K worth of colonoscopes.

I tried to think of a couple of one-liners on my own, in addition to the headline; here’s the best I could do:

• I wonder if all the prep work was worse than the actual theft
• First pawn shop owner they go to: Hey, you know what you can do with your colonoscopes?
• Maybe there’s a market for these where the sun don’t shine – the dark web

I’m here all week, folks.